In 1923 Elizabeth Gräfin von Arnim's book The Enchanted April became a best seller recounting an idyllic month of April spent by a group of English ladies escaping rainy London for the delights of the Kingdom of Italy in the 15th century castle 'San Salvatore' or Castello Brown in Portofino.
A century later, this article may be read by nobody, about a worst seller of a palazzo apartment in the month of August 2023, when a group of travelers fled the humid sticky heat of the summer in London for the less humid and sticky but even hotter summer heat of Central Italy. Not only were none of the triumvirate of gentlemen English ladies (just one drama queen) even if the American whose father worked in Hollywood had substantial English ancestry and the Western European whose father worked at the opposite side of the iron curtain had insubstantial Scottish ancestry (if any), but they all came from different continents and religions (if any) and of course as the trip progressed they got on like a house on fire, especially after one of them bought a two-thousand-two-hundred-and-twenty-second-hand apartment in a centuries-old palazzo there or Castello Grigio or Palazzo Toad or Palazzo Rospo or Palazzo Toadini-Rospigliosi, and they more or less lived in it for more or less a week. The grand old American and the aristocratic European did not mind the lack of modern comforts, only admiring the architectural beauty of the palace, while their non-European companion only could see the lack of modern comforts and lasted a couple of nights in the palazzo, then moving to a nearby hotel, a humbe town house, to the relief of all concerned - the non-arrival of the drama queen...
Stunning mountain views, Campari Spritz, eating out delicious local food with local wine and sightseeing in a rather unspoilt and authentic part of Italy without too many tourists and some charming local people helped - la dolce vita. Italians are good cooks and crooks, as would be discovered soon enough.
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Italian plumbing a century ago seems to have been more functional than that in August 2023, non funziona, an expression which soon became very familiar to the new property owner in the Stalinissima Repubblica with some Soviet quality facilities and infrastructure. His palazzo apartment plumbing was leaking to the apartment below as he was told only after buying the property rather than from the survey he had commissioned beforehand while possibly everyone else in the small town of Troppo di Machiavelli may have known that the plumbing started leaking a decade ago and the water was switched off - water under the bridge.
The new Patrono was left envious of the Venetian plumbing of Lord Marchmain also a century ago:
A tremendous explosion drew us next door. We found a bathroom which seemed to have been built in a chimney. There was no ceiling; instead the walls ran straight through the floor above to the open sky. The butler was almost invisible in the steam of an antiquated geyser. There was an overpowering smell of gas and a tiny trickle of water. ... the unrecognized merits of the geyser... (pp. 93-94, Brideshead Revisited)
Incidentally the bathroom in this palazzo also had an exceptionally high ceiling. The wall was so high that not only one window was on it but there was a smaller decorative window on top of it even if some Stalinissima interior decorator had covered it from the inside but outside one would see the beauty of it - yet another fine aristocratic feature to rescue from the Repubblica.
Somewhat mild compared to the original book on this point is the 1981 filmatisation of Brideshead Revisited:
The pericoloso bath in San Salvatore is shown with full rigour in the 1991 filmatisation of Enchanted April - so much for salvation!
Maybe the new owner should follow the guidance of the natives of Corfu in the 1930s to the Durrells - also fleeing England for the Mediterranean - "what do you need a bathroom for when you have the sea?"
The new owner had spent time looking for stylish pictures and antique prints to hang on the walls and was pondering whether to have a lion or a Roman Goddess face for a brass door knocker, but he had not noticed that there was no sink in the bathroom and that the sink in the kitchen was disconnected from the mains which oversights were nevertheless the lesser problems with the plumbing. On the first night of residence the only running water seemed to be urine, but the next morning fortunately some repairs could be done to ensure cold water in the kitchen sink and shower and a slightly better functioning lavatory.
Somewhat ironically the one thing that did work perfectly was the electronic doorbell but with sophisticated plans for a door-knocker the environmentally conscious grand seigneur was specifically planning not to pollute the world with an electricity-consuming door bell.
"Everything is better after gelato" - the purchaser only watched Love and Gelato (2022) quite some time after buying the property, then immediately realising why whe Italian estate agent was telling him to have gelato after buying the property, not only because of the extremely hot weather on the day of purchase, leaving him also worring if his 90-year old friend would make it back alive to London, wondering if he had the faintest idea what he was doing... in any event, that was the only good advice the estate agent provided - only in Italy, thank goodness it was Italy, such bonus would not have been forthcoming anywhere else.
Our genteel impoverished aristocrat thought he had found a place dignified for him within his means with historical character without being too bothered about the state of repair as long as it did not collapse before him. Omitting to get the door knockers however may have resulted in not keeping out an evil spirit as would soon become evident.
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| The Carnival in Rome (antique print, 1848) |
Lack of functional heating or a cold shower was not a problem in the extreme of enchanted August but in enchanted April or during the winter it might be a challenge along with having a bath in the sea in Central Italy.
So the palazzo apartment turned out to be more or less uninhabitable, even if the estate agents would still insist it is habitable which in fairness to the estate agent may indeed be correct technically and strictly by law - de jure - the law being an ass (no offense to asini) - but it certainly was not habitable de facto! The water was switched off as soon as possible to avoid paying expensive damages to the neighbour downstairs. Also the purchaser was told that the government had a program to fix the structure of the palazzo through earthquake repairs. While not having to pay for such expensive repairs was good news, the problem is that it could all take many years or a decade.... During the works one is not apparently even legally permitted to enter and entering while building work is done would in any event be pericoloso. So little instant gratification, but maybe a long-term investment, to look at the bright side - a centuries old building with a great future in decades to come for future generations of the childless owner, the end of his line and the fee tail.
Another long-term investment might have been to take the previous owners to court for not disclosing that the property was de facto uninhabitable but the first thing the prospective avvocato would say is to get an extremely expensive survey to prove what seemed to already be proven beyond not only any reasonable doubt and one could question what would it add to the survey that already existed. In any event, the court process could have taken even longer than the earthquake repairs, not to mention costing more than anything else, so maybe best to just "take it on the chin" and bin any chance of justice.
Great misfortune is also to come across a local holding themself out to be a consulente, consul relentless, sinister supporter, Grimelda Madeleine Merdini Gremlini, a descendant of local highwaymen. She takes over high handedly, brutally grabbing the reins and the whip, and overtakes, a screaming bossy mad witch, domicidal maniac, dominatrix, bulldozing bully of a night[(/)]mare probably impossible to rein in and control even with a bull's dose of the whip or ox's dose of the nerbo.
While she may discover problems the sellers did not disclose, difficult as it is to tell if anything one is told by anyone there is true, Gremlini will seek to profit even more by trying to make the owner spend as much as possible to redo everything in the apartment to convert all the fine original features to cheap modern plastic and like, which would make the earthquake damage over the centuries look cosmetic and idyllic in comparison - daylight burglary, a common burglar would do less damage. Unwittingly and too focused on seeking to maximise her profits, she does not seem to see how totally she puts off her Lord and Master and Lady Margarita. It seems that even the mental asylum where she must have come from could not take her, as she was fashionably at large in the community, seriously threatening the sanity of the new owner.
Gremlini plans to rent out the property without telling the owner and keeping the money of course, as she does for other absentee landlords and ladies overseas - Cosa Nostra - more than a lion, a liar of a Roman devil's face for knocking down everything. She tries to get all or most of the keys for the property on the pretext that the old key she has does not work on the door, as she is too greedy to even spend money on spare keys to use when she rents out the property without the absentee landlord's knowledge.
For Gremlini, the customer is always wrong and she is always right. Yet she forgets to remind or even tell the owner to pay the property tax but fortunately the owner did not rely on her to do it. She would tolerate no dissent from the owners who according to her should do exactly as she demanded and she would bully them as far as she could and get extremely offended if she was challenged on anything, for example, things she had done without telling the owners or disobeying instructions.
The new owner's good will disappears soon. First he tries to be kind and do favours for Grimelda expecting business partnership and cooperation, once his own property is found uninhabitable offering to stay in one of her properties on Viadotto Purgatorio to provide her income, hoping for a good price, but receiving a very high quote, deciding then to stay elsewhere in another town.
Gremlini also tries to get the new owner to quickly buy every possible expensive equipment for the property like washing machine, fridge, television etc. which she can then keep herself as the property turns out to be uninhabitable and she says refunds are not possible... the housekeeper from hell!
To the new owners she says that all the furniture and other objects left by the previous owners are worth nothing even if the new owner's art dealer friend believes that at least some of the unmarked furniture may be worth contacting an auction house about. In any event, the wine glasses and porcelain disappear already after the new owner's first visit and eventually all the furniture is gone, as Grimelda sells it and keeps the money.
At least in Crete the locals waited until Madame Hortense was dying before they started stealing her possessions from her home in Zorba the Greek. Grimelda had no such inhibitions, as the owner for all his misfortunes was not showing any signs of dying. She tries to persuade the owners to throw away mattresses she says are no good as she wants to take them herself. Meanwhile she tries to sell all sorts of tacky rubbish to the owners at high prices. Once the apartment is deemed uninhabitable she uses the large rooms as free storage for stolen goods she is selling.
The new owner wishes to remove the hideous Stalinissima Repubblica style 1950s lowered ceiling of the entrance hall, as it is not the local Conservative Club with lowered standards but the intended residence of a real Conservative, not concerned about how cold it might be in the winter, but Grimelda strongly states that cannot be done, that planning permission is necessary.... but she says the ceilings must be lowered in the two beautiful drawing rooms with beautiful arched high ceilings. No planning permission seems to be needed for that.
Grimelda tells the new owner that he absolutely must spend at least ten thousand euros on a completely new bathroom and plumbing and add another bathroom for the 2-3 bedroom apartment, while the owner could observe that the bathroom in Grimelda's own property definitely did not cost anywhere near the quote! She also expects the owner to spend more than he paid for the property.
She does all she can to discourage the owners from coming so that she is free to serve herself as much as possible. She arrogantly undermines her employers as much as possible, promoting herself as indispensable. Yet she is common, envious, simple, and unsophisticated and her cooking is awful, considering how good Italian cuisine can be, definitely a crook more than a cook, a nasty piece of work. Machiavelli and Mussolini would be embarrassed by her.
One of the witch's tricks is that when she is asked a specific question even in writing to challenge her or check if something is done or even just asking about something generally, she does not reply to the specific question but talks about other irrelevant matters, repeating how much the owner should be spending on an infinite amount of unnecessary things, and also rather rudely implies that the owner is not understanding something when it is her who is either not understanding or manipulating and trying to avoid the question... Quite impossible to work with such a person! Condescending - con descending - sinking low - a hysterical maniac who cannot even speak calmly and normally, just to hear her virtually screaming voice is draining - barking mad!
To ditch the bitch, getting the keys back from her is a major operation. First it takes her a long time to send anything with a succession of excuses, including being very busy while her WhatsApp status shows her relaxing on the beach. Then when some keys finally arrive, not all are included and some of the keys do not even seem to be for the property.... Changing the locks seems the only option in the end and selling the place and fleeing as far as possible from the town never to return anywhere near and never consider buying a property in the Repubblica Mafiana or do any serious business there.
Gremlini will not do anything she is asked to do but does what she is not asked to do and does not even tell the owner - Madeleine who thinks she is the Châtelaine of the Casa Nostra. After hiring her, it seems impossible to fire her short of burning the witch on a stake!
Apart from her title role in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) or Janet at the end of the film, she also appears in Brideshead Revisited:
The consular porter strode arrogantly ahead with his light swinging and his tall cane banging... 'Very dirty peoples,' the porter said scornfully... 'No education. French leave them dirty. Not like British peoples. My peoples,' he said, 'always very British peoples.'For he was from the Sudan Police, and regarded this ancient centre of his culture as a New Zealander might regard Rome.
(Brideshead Revisited, p. 202-3, emphasis added)
If one then gives up and decides to sell, and if one is lucky enough to find someone as mad to buy, one may discover that the one professional one thought might have been reliable, the Notary, turns out to have committed the maybe most expensive mistake. Despite oral instructions to the contrary, the Notary writes into the deed that the gentleman purchased the property in communion with his absent wife, which he is told means he cannot sell it without his wife's written consent, even if they have since divorced, potentially halving any money (if any) that may be left for him, as if she had not bled him dry enough! Marriage is one of the quickest ways to get much money and also lose much money quick. Lex loci celebrationis!
A property next to the graveyard in Brexitland might have been better - in Hartlepool, Blackpool or Pontypool. However, if the Italian authorities did carry out the repairs in even as qucik as about three years and remade the plumbing, the new owner might still have the last laugh at least over his purported consulente trying to rip off tens of thousands of euros off him for plumbing.
Yet another Italian job! How such a charming unspoilt place in Italy could turn into such a nightmare! Of a different kind - The Unfinished Palazzo - Life, Love and Art in Italy! Of course worse things could happen in any country. There are dishonest common people in all countries, even Italy, but not all countries have the charm and elegance of Italy which triumphs even all the adversities of a property purchase.
Italy can be a country of surprises! Apart from the over 500 euro bill for scratches to a rented car so minor as to be invisible to the purported offender both in person and by photo, and this was after a recent eye test, the gentleman who in Portugal was overtaken by a hearse, except when trying to impress a lover usually driving a car like a 70-year old while horse-riding like a 17-year old, did to his surprise receive his first ever speeding fine at an embarrassingly old age, from Italy of all places, considering the reputation of Italians for driving fast with their Ferraris and Maseratis. The speeding fine however arrived nearly a year later, rather slower than the offending in question - by signed delivery just before Christmas, dashing any hopes of a Christmas present even if such a present had been delivered so to speak earlier that week with the news that apparently repair work on the palazzo paid by the Italian State had finally commenced which he would believe when he saw it, an excuse to travel to Abruzzo again for more delicious local food and wine - Italians do get away with a few things.
